Jakarta, ThedailyID — Arguments are a normal part of life. But when disagreements become emotional, even simple conversations can quickly turn into battles over who is right and who is wrong.
According to Harvard negotiation expert Dan Shapiro, the problem is often not what people are arguing about, but how they approach the conflict.
In a YouTube video by Big Think titled “Harvard negotiator explains how to argue,” Shapiro explains that emotionally charged arguments often become difficult because people feel that something deeper is being threatened.
“It often goes back to something deeper: identity,” Shapiro said in a video published on Big Think’s YouTube channel, Wednesday (19/08/26).
Understand What Is Being Threatened
Shapiro identifies identity as the first major barrier to resolving conflict.
People can become emotional when their core values or beliefs feel challenged. Once identity becomes involved, an argument is no longer simply about an issue. Pride and a person’s sense of self can also feel like they are on the line.
Shapiro says people should first understand what values and beliefs are driving their position. Knowing what you stand for can help you remain more balanced when someone challenges those beliefs.
Listen Before You Respond
The second barrier is appreciation. Shapiro argues that people often want to feel understood while being reluctant to understand the other side.
His advice is simple: listen.
“When you’re in the midst of the conflict, don’t talk,” he says. “Take the first 10 minutes. Consciously listen to the other side.”
Rather than preparing a response, he suggests trying to understand the logic and values behind the other person’s perspective.
Once you understand where they are coming from, acknowledging their reasoning can help change the tone of the conversation.
Turn Your Opponent Into a Partner
The final barrier is affiliation, or the emotional connection between people involved in a conflict.
Shapiro says arguments often become framed as “me versus you.” That approach can turn disagreements into a battle where both sides are focused on winning.
Instead, he recommends finding common ground and treating the other person as a partner facing the same problem.
“Turn that other person from an adversary into a partner,” he says.
This means shifting the conversation from who is right to how both sides can get their interests met.
Ultimately, Shapiro argues that better arguments do not necessarily come from having stronger points. They come from understanding why the conflict became emotional in the first place.
“The problem is not with the what, the problem is with the how,” he says.
And sometimes, having a productive argument is less about getting the last word and more about making sure both people actually feel heard.
